Forward
For a long time I thought I would never share this story. It was too painful and I only cared about moving on from it. I felt shame and also a responsibility to protect the privacy of others. But this story belongs to me too, and the one thing I wished more than anything when I was going through the deep muck that ultimately led to my divorce, was to know just one other person that had a similar story. I wanted to be able to talk to one person that truly understood what my heart was going through and help me navigate.
Deep was the pain and grief I experienced during this season of my life. But, it uncovered a beautiful resiliency within that I never knew existed. I hope my story can inspire hope in someone else and let them know that they are not alone. I’m sharing my story in parts, in a series, over time. It is written how I experienced it- as I experienced it.
Just Before
I had just landed in NYC from TN for a little work trip that I had extended to be able to spend time with my besties. My cell phone rings in my cab from the airport to Brooklyn where I was staying and it’s my husband on the other line.
“Hannah, did you just call me?”
“No, hunny, I didn’t”, I replied.
“That’s so strange. Hannah, I’m really freaked out right now because YOUR number just called me and when I picked up the phone, it was a robot voice that said they knew about me and his wife and if I hung up the phone, his first call would be to you to tell you everything.”
Long silent pause.
“Hannah. I’m sitting on the couch watching a Ken Burns documentary on the Civil War and sewing patches on my trumpet case. I’m really disturbed by this.”
A pit in my stomach stabbed deep. My gut ached. I pushed it away.
“Well,” I said, “Maybe it’s a student playing a really awful prank on you? Listen hunny, I don’t want you to worry about it. This is really strange but I’m not worried about it, so you shouldn’t be either.”
After a few more exchanges we hung up the phone and I continued to let what he told me sink in. I knew that strange call would at very least, store itself in the back of my mind. There were already a couple of other strange happenings stored back there from over the past 7+ years but that was just me being crazy. To this day, I have absolutely no clue who placed that call.
Over the next couple of days, he was atypically quiet. I was always in close touch with him throughout the day. Something wasn’t right. I called him and told him I was thinking about rebooking my flight to come home a day earlier. We weren’t exactly made of money and this normally would have gotten a push back response from him to not spend the extra money. But, I also needed to see a vacant commercial building in town before it got snatched up by another interested lessee. I was planning to expand my personal training studio and had been searching town for the perfect location. He gave me no pushback about getting a flight home a day early, so I booked it.
Crashing Down
I flew home the next day and asked him to meet me at the building I was interested in leasing so he could give me input. I noticed he seemed a little quiet and didn’t share my same excitement about the building, but I was also so distracted by the quick decision I needed to make regarding the building that I didn’t give it much thought. He left before me and headed to the house. I stayed behind with a few more questions I needed answered by the owner of the building.
When I got home, he wasn’t downstairs and I called out for him.
“I’m upstairs.” he said in a small voice.
I slowly walked up to the second floor and saw him sitting on one of our chairs with an incredible look of concern on his face.
“What’s wrong?” My heart sank immediately. This was obviously bad news.
Silence.
“What’s wrong?”
Silence.
“What’s wrong! Tell me what’s wrong!”
“Hannah, I’m sick.” he said.
My head was spinning. He recently had a melanoma removed from his skin. Did he have cancer? Was he dying? What was that genetic heart condition that ran in his family that his mom kept telling him he needed to get genetic testing for? Was it that?
“What do you mean you’re sick?”
He didn’t speak.
“What is wrong!?”
“Hannah, I did a lot of research while you were gone and I think what I have is a sex addiction. I think I might be a sex addict and I’ve taken it too far. I’ve been unfaithful.”
“You’ve been unfaithful?” I repeated.
“Yes”, he said.
“With who?” I asked. I felt like all of the blood in my body had suddenly drained out of me and was puddled around my feet.
“More than one,” he explained.
“Multiple women? Who?” I was dizzy with confusion and could barely speak.
The next few minutes was a complete bombshell. The women he began to name were women I considered good friends. At each name I felt the knife twist deeper and deeper. Two of these women I spent time with regularly. We had them in our home for dinner many times. They were personal clients of mine at the studio. I invested time in supporting their health goals and building them up as strong women.
He confessed to a threesome with one of these girls and her best friend who I also met on many occasions. He admitted to sex with a women I didn’t know while he was on a trip for a gig. It was all so overwhelming.
After the confession he was quick to tell me that he had called our church Rector over the weekend and confided in him and was seeking counsel. He wanted to get better and he wanted our marriage to survive this. He told me that he had already reached out to a couple of therapists to try to get an appointment and his first SAA (Sex Addict Anonymous) meeting was Saturday. I understood now why he had been so distant those past few days I was in NY. He had been hard at work preparing his confession and getting things in order. He told me he understood if I needed him to leave- that he had somewhere to stay. I’m sure he repeatedly told me how sorry he was, but I honestly can’t remember that. I was too overwhelmed with trying to digest this new information.
“I need to take a walk.” I thought I would vomit.
I walked out of the house and as I began to walk around the neighborhood, I completely broke down. I crumbled to the ground hidden behind some trees and sobbed the deepest sob I’d ever sobbed. I was devastated.
What Now?
I’m not an expert in zodiac signs but as a Taurus, I’ve always related to characteristics of a Taurus. Taurus are fiercely loyal. They are trustworthy and devoted. I can look back as far as elementary school and see the importance loyalty and trust have played in my friendships. I am the most loyal friend you will ever have and I’ve realized I have that expectation from others. This can be seen as part of the stubborn nature of Taurus. When someone proves themself disloyal, I can completely cut them out of my life. Rarely is there room for reconciliation. The damage has been done. Trust has been lost.
I always imagined that if I were to learn of a cheating partner, there would be no question. So long. Farewell. Auf Wiedersehen. BYE Felicia.
But marriages are complicated. And guided by my faith, I really meant those vows I spoke on our wedding day. He was my person- we were a family. The most important person in my world had betrayed me at the deepest level and shattered our marriage, and yet, my reaction surprised me.
My immediate decisions following this discovery had everything to do with (I believe) that at this point, I’d read through The Meaning of Marriage three times. A book full of biblical principles and teachings on marriage, I was striving to model my marriage after it. An interesting side note is that I had asked my husband to read the book multiple times in the past, to no avail. One night, in bed, I just started reading excerpts from the book that I thought would be valuable help to strengthen our marriage.
I was also 10 months into my yoga teacher training where my learning was deep in becoming less reactive and staying patient, present, curious, and thoughtful.
I walked back into the house and I told him I didn’t think it was a good idea for him to leave the house but he needed to stay upstairs in another room. I needed some time to process what I had just learned.
For the next week he pretty much quarantined himself upstairs unless he needed to get food. I would go upstairs from time to time to ask him questions I needed answers to.
“Where was I when this was happening?”, “How long did this go on?”. Every answer stabbed deeply but I needed the answers.
A couple days later, he shared that he found a therapist and that the therapist really wanted me to join the sessions if I would. He felt it was important if we wanted to save our marriage. I agreed. I wanted more than anything to be whole again with my husband. I wanted more than anything for the hurt and the pain to go away and for us to be happy. And so began our 18 month long work in therapy and in the home to heal and move forward.