“Intuition literally means learning from within. Most of us were not taught how to use this sense, but all of us know well that “gut” feeling. Learn to trust your inner feelings and it will become stronger. Avoid going against your better judgement or being talked into things that just don’t make sense”
Read the first part of the story HERE
Let’s Go Back
I had to have had some clue, right? The scale of my husbands infidelity seemed so grande that surely I hadn’t been completely duped.
One of the biggest challenges I faced for being able to move forward was with myself. Part of my healing had to be the ability to trust my husband again, but how could I do that? Because now, I’d lost complete trust in myself! I questioned my ability to know what was real, what wasn’t real- what was TRUTH, and what wasn’t. To say I felt completely lost, is an understatement.
So, I started analyzing every part of our relationship…..from the beginning.
As fiercely independent as I am, I am a sucker for love and have always dreamed of being a wife. It was at a New Orleans themed bar in the theatre district of Manhattan where I first met this handsome guy with piercing blue eyes and a cute dimple on his chin. He was playing the trumpet and singing. His incredible talent attracted me first. We flirted and danced between musical sets and although I wouldn’t say it was love at first sight, I was definitely intrigued by this guy.
After that night, he travelled back upstate where he was spending the summer teaching at a music camp. Our relationship budded over long conversations on the phone. It was such a stark contrast to what dating had been like in NY in my early 20’s. He was super intelligent, had a playful sense of humor and actively practiced his faith. He directed a choir at a Catholic church in Harlem, had such a big heart for working with children and was passionate about social justice. He was a very working and successful performing artist. He really had so many wonderful qualities. We began dating.
Red Flags
He was very private with his phone and computer. Not even when we were married did I know his cell phone password (I know) and he always held his phone in a way where I couldn’t see it. There was an incident where I saw his computer browser history and even though we were dating it had Match.com on it and porn sites. When an ex girlfriends’ friend reached out to me claiming he was sending inappropriate messages, she attached facebook messages between the two. I pressed him on all of this. But, he was a master at having the perfect explanation or when appropriate, assuring me things would change. And quite possibly I was a master at denial.
He was extremely charming, romantic, and would dote on me constantly. He had tons of friends who loved him. My friends loved him. Our relationship was mostly full of good times, adventure and what I felt was healthy challenges and growth. He was very communicative. He wrote me love letters. He showered me with attention and affection. He was very vocal over how proud he was of my accomplishments, how beautiful I was, etc. So to reason away these red flags was easier than it should have been. I was SURE he loved me. What I experienced day in and day out was this reality. So when anything uncomfortable came up, I pushed it away as me being “crazy” because it just didn’t make more sense than the way he treated our relationship daily. I really didn’t understand what it was to trust my instincts- to go with my gut.
We got married.
Fast forward…...
Our third year into marriage we moved to Cleveland, TN. He took a job at a Christian University and I started to rebuild my personal training business from scratch again. I was excited to be changing up the pace from NYC and to really feel like we were building a life together. We bought our first house, we got cars, and I finally got a dog! We were making friends in the community and loved to entertain, so on many occasions we hosted dinners and hangs. We were adjusting well.
We were happy.
<< BREAKING NEWS >>
“Ashley Madison, an online service that facilitates extramarital affairs, has been hacked. The breach has resulted in the leak of personal information attached to more than 30 million accounts, including those of 10,000 American government officials, a handful of celebrities, a few clergymen and, apparently, very few real female profiles”
I received a call that week from someone very close to my husband. She told me that out of curiosity, she looked up names on the database that had been leaked. In that database was my husband's name and Chattanooga, TN assigned to it. I felt sick. My face was hot. There had to be some mistake.
I called my husband who was between lessons. Shaking, I filled him in on the call I had just received.
“Hannah, I’m cancelling the rest of my lessons and coming home so we can talk about this right now.” he responded.
His explanation was that before we ever dated, he set up an online profile out of sheer curiosity but never actually met anyone on Ashley Madison. He didn’t know why it said Chattanooga. Even though I felt disgusted that he would even be curious about a website like AM, I chose once again to push away that gut feeling and believe his word. I mean, this was my husband who woke up with me at 5am in the morning even though he didn’t have to get up until 8, just to make me breakfast and spend time with me before our busy days. He wasn’t capable of something like this!
In retrospect, I realized this instance was the ultimate turning point in my heart. Something was off. I began to feel more and more distant from my husband. A hug from him made me recoil. Everything he said and did seemed like such a show. I began to work on figuring out why I felt like I was struggling to connect with him emotionally and physically.
I know…..you would think I’d obviously connect the red flags and my disconnect, but ya’ll, I just didn’t. I thought something was wrong with me. I picked up the Meaning of Marriage to read through for the second time and poured myself into making myself better and making the marriage better. I told him I was going to go to therapy to figure out why I was feeling so emotionally detached, and he encouraged me to go. Yeah, he encouraged me to go figure out what was wrong with me.
After the bombshell of his confession, part of my reckoning was admitting I clearly saw these red flags early in our dating and I saw them in our marriage, but still questioned what I knew. The gut intuition was always speaking to me but I was persuaded away from them, against my better judgement. I realized that although I pushed these feelings down, they never actually disappeared. They lived in my subconscious and spent their time building up a wall between my heart and my husband, brick by brick…..for protection. For this marriage to be restored, I was going to have to allow God to tear down this wall of protection I’d built up and let Him restore trust in both my husband AND in myself.
Over the next 18 months, this became my steadfast prayer as I poured myself into The Word, self help books, my yoga practice (where I learned to quiet the noise and listen), and sought guidance from trusted friends. I was completely determined to experience healing and save our marriage.